Story With No Title.  Day 11

 

 

Call me Ishmael. 

 

As I walked the hall, hearing my leg tap loudly on the floor, I heard him in the distance –  “Aye, Starbuck; aye, my hearties all round; it was Moby Dick that dismasted me; Moby Dick that brought me to this dead stump I stand on now. Aye, aye," he shouted with a terrific, loud, animal sob, like that of a heart-stricken moose; "Aye, aye! it was that accursed white whale that razeed me; made a poor pegging lubber of me for ever and a day!”

 

Aye, captain, aye.  And I clanked down the hallway and made no lees to the ragged passersby, sinews; the subtle demonisms of life and thought; cakes the brain. And I, like my captain, pile upon the whale’s white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by the whole race from Adam down; and then, as if my chest had been a mortar, burst my hot heart’s shell upon it.  “Ego non baptizo te in nomine patris, sed in nomine diaboli!"  Truly, Ahab and anguish and I lay stretched together in one hammock.

 

Aye, captain.

 

But that’s not what actually happened.  Let me give you a tip.  Don’t go wandering near an MRI if you’re wearing a paperclip on your leg.  Not a good idea.  I looked it up.  Contraindications to MRI include most cochlear implants, cardiac pacemakers, shrapnel and metallic foreign bodies in the eyes.  No mention of paperclips.  Anyway, turns out it’s a huge magnet, 3 Tesla’s.  Certainly had a lot more pull than the Earth.  So here’s the formula:

 

 

 

Stated more simply, a particle, carrying a charge of 1 coulomb, and passing through a magnetic field of 1 tesla, at a speed of 1 meter per second, perpendicular to said field, experiences a force with magnitude 1 newton, according to the Lorentz force law.   The standard refrigerator magnet runs at about 0.005 Tesla.  This was a lot more.

 

I had taken a short cut through imaging on my way back to the E.D.  I heard an odd clicking sound.  Not only were all my atoms suddenly aligned but my frigging leg was sailing through the air.  After I quit screaming, I bolted for the nearest door.  Jesus!  But now slower, a drop of 16.67%, and that’s significant.  

 

A lot quieter, though.

 

What I really needed was a drink.  I headed back to the E.D., hoping they had replaced the N2O.  I gave the rooster painting a nod as I passed.  Why not? 

 

So, it turns out you need a special electronic ID card to get back in the E.D. from the hall, WTF!, and the doors are really tight.  No squeezing past.  So I waited.  The first time the door opened, it swept me out to the middle of the hall. There were goddam feet everywhere.  I’m not a coward, but after dodging a few stompers, I was pretty miffed, not to mention out of breath.  I ended up on the opposite wall, lying low, as it where, only to see the power floor cleaner heading down the corridor, hugging the wall.  The guy driving the thing was leaning over the wheel, very focused on the edge between wall and floor, just the place I was standing, waiting an opportunity to dash across the hall.  Normally I don’t sweat these little challenges, no big deal, you know what I mean? – but this guy was obviously a professional.  There were all kinds of deadly sprays hanging from the side of the carriage.  This was not a guy I was going to stare down.

 

But there is always a plan B. 

 

I raced up the wall.  Made it to about eye level before he spotted me.  Then everything went into slow motion – even the sound.  Me running but each step taking infinite time; him reaching for a spray bottle, slowly rising, pointing, aiming.  I watched as he squeezed and I saw it coming.  I knew it would be bad.  I took a last breath and ran like I had 6 legs.  Aye, captain, aye.  The first splash hit right behind me but set my remaining back leg to burning.  But still I ran, now approaching the corner of the ceiling and wall.  Second squirt went wild and I kept running.  But it was no good, the poison was taking its toll and I was feeling dizzy and weak.  I could not hold on.  But the E.D. door was opening.  I leaped as all went dark.

 

 

When I awoke, I was on the floor in the E.D.  The door had closed and swept me back in and I felt fine.  I think I had just held my breath too long.  Did that ever happen to you?  Anyway, I could hear a nurse out in the hall yelling at the custodian for spraying bug spray all over.  What an ass!

 

So I wanted to tell you who I saw.  There he was, on the gurney, alone, writhing in agony. 

 

My roommate!  It was so nice to see him.