Story With No Title, Day 40
So it turns out that a banana peel is one of the most dangerous things you can encounter if you are in a cartoon. Last night I was watching TV with the bro. We saw Goofy take an incredible tumble. It was scary. And all the bro could do was laugh. I mean, really? Goofy was lucky he didn’t break his neck. We’re talking quadriplegia here.
But then I started thinking, especially since I love bananas so much, am I in danger? Like, maybe I should wear some protective gear when banana is on the menu. Problem is, you see, a lot of my eating is unscheduled and unplanned. It just sort of happens. I’m walking around, minding my own business and then suddenly there it is – food. I plunge in with not a lot of thinking ahead of time. Why, I remember once diving into a dumpster, following the scent of banane pourrie, while the dump truck was in the process of lifting and dumping the bin. Did I care? No. I fell 10 feet, hitting the edge of the truck and bouncing onto the pavement, still lost in banana euphoria, barely missing the tire.
Anyway, being as I was I’m on the topic, I had to test the theory. First, to the interweb. Oddly, there is, like, a whole cult of banana peel scientists out there, mostly in their teens, experimenting with the slipperiness of the peel. I’m serious. I couldn’t find any White Papers on the topic, just photos and youtube’s. Nonetheless, it definitely convinced me to take significant precautions whenever I might be in the vicinity of said peel. Here’s the plan:
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Slow down
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Look both directions
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Approach cautiously
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Place helmet onto head parts, then leap into the luscious Musa acuminata pulp, in total rapture; swim in the firmament of all creation, absorbed in the glory of the sweet nectar of the gods; fill your forestomach with the bread of life, the earth, the air, the stars, all things enchanted; cast off helmet and all caution so as to completely relish this sacred food in this sacred moment…
Okay. Enough of that.
The real reason I am writing you today is to acknowledge that I have been using some cuss words in my previous work. I read back through and – holy shit it is bad! Made me want to pee my pants. I want to fucking apologize and I will promise to do better in the future. I one time worked down at the docks at New York Harbor. You ever here the expression, “talk like a sailor?” It was probably three or four days before I understood a fucking word anyone said. Turns out that the expletive ‘fuck’ or ‘fucking’ was used in every second or third word position. Shit, hell, damn, ass, and motherfucker were interspersed so as to appear, on average, every 5th word. Once I figured that out, it was fucking easy to understand what the fuck they were saying. You follow?
Okay, that’s not the real reason. This is kind of embarrassing. The real reason I am writing is that I just wanted to send out some “thank-yous” for all your kind support. It means a lot to me. Truth is, I’m still pretty worked up over the gassing. Just can’t get over it. So, what I have decided to do is stage a protest, right here in town. It is super easy. I have applied for the permit and should get approval by the end of next week. The tentative date is March 15th; beware the Ides of March. Get it? We will all meet at the corner of 17th and Rutherford, across from the IHOP. I’m getting some posters printed and will have handouts for the street. I just need some marchers. I’m counting on you guys, so be there.
So, that’s about it. The bro has been taking a dump for about the last hour. I heard him flush a couple of times but since then all I hear is the plunger. Poor guy. He never gets a break. Speaking of which… hmmm…
Wait! Now I remember what I was going to say. It’s about the bro. He actually has a real name. Out of common courtesy his name should be used and he should not just be referred to by some derogatory nickname like ‘the bro’ as though he doesn’t really have a life. You know what I’m saying? Even though he watches cartoons and eats Cracker Jacks for dinner, he has been exercising. So what if he is having a few drinks again, the guy’s still grieving cause his girlfriend dumped him. He’s still working, isn’t he. So give the guy a break. Geez!